Tired, miserable and happy

[ now listening? ] jeff buckley – corpus christi carol | janis joplin – kozmic blues jeff buckley – last goodbye | jeff buckley – grace | janis joplin – try (just a little bit harder) | jeff buckley – hallelujah | rickie lee jones – i was there |

It’s been a big weekend. I’m tired. Feeling crappy, miserable and depressed. But strangely, because of the preceding adjectives, happy.

My misery completes my happiness completes my misery completes my …

Others tell me to be happy, but the only time I’m ever happy is when I’m in my misery and depression…

This is going to be a weird post. My ramblings below some of you might be able to guess at what I’m talking about. Others might think that I’m a raving lunatic. I have a sneaking suspicion the latter thought will prevail amongst you my dear readers…

Have been disillusioned for a while now. Not with God. But with something that has to do with God. Rather, someplace where I go to meet with God. Because going to and being in that place, I can feel my soul being slowly sucked away like a person sucking down a coffee icy with pearl at “Tea etc”. My voice is not worth hearing at this place at all. It is little and there are voices which carry more but quite possibly have less or little substance. So I’m happy in being this little one in that place. But I’m not happy when I’m in that place. There are some who I still respect greatly there. While I’m there though, I’m indifferent to it all; though at times He is present. But mostly, because of this sensation of my soul being slowly sucked away…I’m usually in a whirlpool of despair at not sensing His presence there.

However, when I’m far away from that place, God is near. When I’m here by myself, God is near and the embrace of his being in lectio, contemplation and His praise through the Liturgy of the Hours is palpable. His sorrows during and after my sins pain me. His joy at the dawn of each new day that’s reflected in the beauty of His creation continue to astound, intrigue, bewilder and enthrall me. This is a special moment. A special kairos for me.

Album that is on my playlist currently: Rickie Lee Jones’ new album “The Sermon on Exposition Boulevard”. It’s richly satisfying hearing portions from Lee Cantelon’s “The Words” of Christ & Jones’ own musings set to trippy, bugged out music along with those haunting vocals (beat poet style). This is emotionally charged, religiously-overtoned, punk-folk-pop at its very best.

“you’re coming into town on your donkey tonight … but you be goin’ out on a cross …”
rickie lee jones – donkey ride

If only this was being played before Pascha. If only.

Pax en Christo,
+ bf 2106hrs


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