This year is a year of weddings.
For me on one hand, I’m incredibly happy for those who are getting married. I can only wish to those couples my dearest affections and best wishes for a long, happy and fruitful marriage (in more ways than one).
On the other hand, I’m usually blue for the next few weeks afterwards. This year is no exception. It was the same after attending George & Amy’s and Nelson & Thu’s in January/February (a “double-header” as it were). When Zef & Shihui’s wedding comes around in October, I’ll get to experience it again. Yay for me. 😥
I know a few people have told me face-to-face to find a nice girl at church but the chances of that are remote at best (there have been a few in the past [distant and relatively recent] that I have been interested in and now regret even being interested in them to begin with, but now I’ve resigned myself to not bothering to even look for signals or send out any either). Quite frankly, I’m at church too often on the weekend to even have time to do anything else, like to go and paktor. Because I am at church too often on the weekend, chances of finding a nice girl anywhere else are also shot. Add to that the distance from any nice girl that I know of and persistent nagging issues in my mind about class imbalance and me being F-U-G-L-Y leaving me 99.9999999% there towards giving up on romantic love (of any sort) all together.
Call it an almost regular state of Takotsubo cardiomyopathy that my heart and mind is in. At times like this, I miss my pet dog who we had to put down last year. Why? Because she was the only person I knew of that could comfort me in these regular downtimes. With one lick on the side of my face, the healing could begin. Now she isn’t here and instead I find that the lay monastic stability that has been part of my life for the past 11 months has replaced her as an element of healing my mental and emotional scars. The only thing is that it takes longer than just a lick on the cheek.
Given my interest in the monastic realm, this persistent heartache may very well be a sign leading me down that pathway of no marriage at all. It won’t be a first given that I have three aunts on my Dad’s side who are also not married. One of them who I am particularly close to has told me that she too also experiences this at times but it is freeing as well in that she is more disposed of to do God’s work, whatever it may be. Either way, I’m almost permanently miserable….BUT…
However, in my misery, I end up finding my happiness. Enough that at times it pours out in tears (tonight is gonna be one of those nights, I can already sense it within me, yes guys out there, you can call me a wimp, I couldn’t give a rats @$$ what you think about me as I put this electronic ink onto my e-paper).
+ bf 2257hrs