I have nothing

Palm Sunday

It’s come back again. And only about a month (if not less than a month) since the last bout. And it’s been worse too.

I snapped over dinner tonight at Mom and Dad. I’m contemplating holing myself up in my room for the next week. I don’t really want to see anyone, but I have to at work, at Mass during the week and at church on Good Friday and Easter Day.

But all I keep thinking about is:

  • “Is this life I’m living really worth living?”
  • “No-one will miss me if I disappear. Temporarily or permanently.”
  • “Nobody loves me. Heck I don’t even love myself.”
  • “I have no friends. I am invisible to the world.”

Heck, I have even come up with a song, thinly inspired by Midori’s song in Murakami’s Norwegian Wood:

I would love to play with you,
But I have no one to play with.
I would like to talk to you,
But no one cares.
I would like to die now please,
But you wouldn’t come to my funeral.
I have everything I could want
But I have nothing.

Anyone who is even remotely an acquaintance to me must be sick to want to talk to me or even be within a mile of me. There is a part of me that is apathetic to it all. If this is supposed to be a test of some kind, this is one perverse and sadistic test.

But heck, given that I’m prone to bouts of schadenfreude, I hope this provides some entertainment for the rest of you. Watch me die slowly on the inside and outside. Heck, laugh at me even. Because tonight, I feel like non-existence is a better option for me. Where’s that bottle of Ardbeg again…

I hate weekends and Goddammit, I wanna be back at work again so I can work myself into slumber and maybe even die from the stress.

2030hrs

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2 thoughts on “I have nothing”

  1. i knew something fishy was going on in that brain of yours! i would sincerely miss being your “protégé” in choir, and rubbing your bald head.
    i guess my solutions to things are usually very simple and cliché, mainly because i don’t employ enough energy to my brain enough to think hard about things and i take things in from my surroundings easily (which consist of large amounts of popular culture.)
    it seems to me that everyone wants someone or something meaningful in their lives, and lucky for you, you have already found and devoted large portions of your life to your audience of one.
    if you find that nothing in this world, none of these desires can satisfy you, please just acknowledge that this world was not made for you, and do nothing more!
    schadenfreude may be hilarious in the office (michael) but i wouldn’t find particular pleasure in your diminishmentt and i am sure i speak for more than myself.
    listen to the right songs, and your life will still be worth living!
    you are das Arschloch for thinking otherwise, go listen to some Switchfoot (you know i love them =P)

  2. You’re a big bum bum! Just coz I wasnt at church to craze you out again with my melodramatic antics, it doesnt mean me dont love you ma!

    You’re always always loved BBBBBBBBB! Don’t you dare forget that.

    And (i started a sentence with ‘and’; ems dont kill me) just because no one actually goes up to your face and tells you they love you, you are not invisible (no matter how much you want to be).

    My point is, I love you and you are loved by so so many other ppl too. Not to mention your awesome creator.

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