Ordinary Time 16/Trinity 6 – Monday
[ now playing? ] Various Artists – Donnie Darko OST
I’m going through yet another rough patch in my mental state at the moment.
The more I do stuff at church, the more useless and untalented I feel I am. Conversely, the more I do stuff at work on weekdays, I still feel that same sense of uselessness and untalentedness, but it’s nowhere near as much as compared to weekends.
While I still take pleasure in singing, the last few weeks have been tough as I am not really enjoying myself as much as I should.
Lord knows how on earth then I’m going to be able to sing “Everything To Me” by Avalon with Wendy Y at the CMCA-EMP 20th Anniversary Concert this coming Saturday night. The lyrics are too chipper for the turbulence and hatred of myself that is going on inside of me.
But I kid you not that the collect for this week in the Australian Anglican prayer book really spoke to me (and the accompanying collect for yesterday too, now that I look it up in my Priest/Minister’s APBA edition). I don’t exactly plan when I start feeling like absolute crap, but this time it can’t be mere coincidence… yet again.
Collect for the 7th Week after Pentecost, 6th Week after Trinity and 16th Week of Ordinary Time in the Anglican Church of Australia
O God, you alone can order our unruly wills and affections: teach us to love what you command, and to desire what you promise, that, among the changes and chances of this world, our hearts may surely there be fixed where true joys are to be found; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.
Collect for the 7th Sunday after Pentecost, 6th Sunday after Trinity and 16th Sunday in Year B
Eternal God, author of our life and end of our pilgrimage: guide us by Your Word and Spirit amid all perils and temptations, that we may not wander from Your way, but may run our course in safety until we come to our eternal rest in you; through the grace of Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever. Amen.
These are but little signs. Little, tiny signs to me that out there God is still watching over me, in spite of my frequent failures, thoughts of suicide and thoughts of inadequacy, ineptness and self-hatred. In spite of the loneliness existing at the very heart of my being. In spite of me questioning whether God is even with me.
People look at me and smile, I try to smile back but what would appear to be a smirk would end up appearing on my face. I suspect that no one really gives a shit about the look on my face or can even fathom what is going on within me. Besides, each one has enough of their own problems to deal with without needing me to share my own with them. Or to ask them to pray for me. There are much better things for them to pray for in comparison with me.
I end up suffering through this all alone. With no one here on earth really to talk things over with. I am left talking potentially to only the air around me. Is it only a delusion? I don’t know, but whatever it is, all the internal stuff experentially is very real. Too real.
Like on the train platform at Central today waiting to come home from work, where I pictured the oncoming train rolling over my body as I jumped onto the tracks at the last moment. I doubt that I would even be able to summon up the internal fortitude to go through with the act in reality though. So it only exists in my mind. I pray it won’t ever come to reality.
Psalm 22 comes to mind as I feel these thoughts coming to me. Sure the first verse is what Christ quotes/paraphrases from as he hangs upon the cross and I have no right to apply this psalm (or any psalm) to my own situations, but the Psalms speak to me (exegetical concerns be damned!). There’s too much lament and sorrow in these words to make me wonder if David might have suffered his own depression at the circumstances that life threw at him or whatever else.
I was listening to a really old song from the 1970s this morning on the train. The second verse just comes alive in my mind with my current state (even though the song is about someone wanting to commit suicide after their fiancee leaves them at the altar and the feeling of being alone after one’s parents die).
Gilbert O’Sullivan – “Alone Again (Naturally)” (verse 2)
To think that only yesterday, I was cheerful, bright and gay, / Looking forward to, but who wouldn’t do, the role I was about to play / But as if to knock me down, reality came around / And without so much as a mere touch, cut me into little pieces / Leaving me to doubt, all about God and His mercy / For if He really does exist / Why did He desert me? / In my hour of need, I truly am indeed, alone again, naturally
I think I will disappear in the near future. A break from church on weekends. To at least try and gather together the broken shards of glass that represent my soul and who I am. And maybe, just maybe, with God’s help, to start this re-piecing together of me so that one day, I’ll be back to being a (somewhat) normally functioning human being. Because I hate who I am right now.
This person created in the image of God now looks and feels like he has been taken over by the devil and put through the torture of hell mentally. I was never much of a happy person to begin with, but who I am now is vastly different from the person I was five years ago when the battle began. God knows, I hate it. Hate it. Hate it.