32nd Sunday in Ordinary Time/3rd Sunday before Advent
I’m sitting here in a state of numbness.
I had a ball of a time on Friday night. Saturday night was fun, but by then the darkness was coming over me. By this morning, Friday night seemed so far away. And I’m left feeling more pathetic and useless than ever before. Along with feeling entirely drained of any mental and social energy.
The insomnia last night didn’t help matters either.
A brief compline at 11:30pm. I went to bed at about 11:35pm. The last time I glanced at my watch’s glow-in-the-dark hands, it was 11:40pm and I must’ve dropped off into a slumber shortly thereafter.
I remember waking up in a fit of panic only to find that 45-50 minutes have passed by in real life and it’s only 12:48 a.m. And then the insanity and restlessness began. And didn’t stop until 3-something a.m. And then I woke up again in a fit of panic at 5 a.m. Only to not be able to sleep again until 6-something. And then my third alarm on my mobile woke me up at 7:30 a.m. for me to realize then that I’d be late for choir practice.
To say that I am getting rather sick of not sleeping well would be a big understatement (it’s 7 weeks and counting now folks).
I’m beginning to not only hate the insomnia, but also hating myself. And to a lesser extent, I’m getting just an eensy-weensy bit angry with the big guy above as to why this is happening (though it’s more the questioning of “Why is this so?” than anger).
I think tonight I might just have a dram of two of whisky before sleeping. I’m hoping the alcohol knocks me out until 6 a.m. tomorrow morning. And I’ll see how I feel about turning up to the Youth Bible Study tomorrow night.
If I do go, it’s only just going to be a shell of a young man sitting in a chair tapping away on laptop keys who is wondering what is the state of his soul and whether his earthly existence is worth all this inner angst and listlessness.
Books & periodicals I’m reading now?
- Graham Greene – The Heart of the Matter
- Gerald G. May, M.D. – The Dark Night of the Soul: A Psychiatrist Explores the Connection Between Darkness and Spiritual Growth
- Dave Robinson (illus. Oscar Zarate) – Introducing: Kierkegaard
- Monocle, November 2009 edition
- GQ, November 2009 edition
- First Things, November 2009 edition
- Taxation Ruling TR 97/18
- One big-ass KPMG publication on Transfer Pricing in the current economic climate